The Hair In Your Food pt. 2

Today's topic- Tips:

I could go on all day about tip talk. The fact is, many people just don't know how to do it right. As one who depends on others' tips to pay my bills, this is a hot topic for me. Here's some tips of how YOU can not be the person i'm about to write about. And btw, these complaints aren't just coming from left field because I'm some kind of bad server or anything. I would consider myself to be a pretty decent server, and tons of others servers will know what i'm talking about too.

1. Let's clear the air right from the start: tips these days should be in the vicinity of  20% of your total bill. As i said before, tips are my income. You know how much i make hourly? like 3.50. Do you think that pays my bills? I'll give you a hint: NO, it does not. Now that we've laid the groundwork, let's clear up the gray areas.
2. If you paid for some of your bill with a gift card, tip according to what the original bill was! Are you so cheap that you can't throw in an extra 5 bucks? Especially when you just saved like 50 bucks??
3. Yes, i just used 'cheap'. Not thrifty- cheap. I have little to no grace towards people who tip small. If you really wanted to save a few bucks, do everyone a favor and grab some fast food. I blame Oprah for this cultural disease. Apparently her solution to saving money is not to avoid going out, but to avoid tipping as much when you do go out! Jeez Oprah! You are an idiot.
4. Gospel tracts don't pay my bills.
5. Don't you dare tell me that you'll "take care of me" unless you intent to tip me like 30-50%. Really, was that your brilliant way of trying to get me to give you good service, or are you still stuck in the 50s where 2.17 got you a full tank of gas?
6. Please, i challenge you- prove me wrong about how i think you are going to tip me. I can see a bad tip the minute it walks in the door. However, i'm glad to say I'm not always right about it. People do prove me wrong sometimes and I end up getting a surprisingly good tip. But here's the thing: Servers don't stereotype the senior citizens, the old farmers, the family with 5 little kids, the hillbillies, and the "Canadians" for no reason. They call it a stereotype because the general populous of that group has given us reason to. Just sayin..